Archive for May, 2010

Break time

Posted in Uncategorized on May 21, 2010 by Cristina

Wow, I need to pull myself together… I’m too close to the edge of insanity right now. A dangerous combination of hunger + too much work + uncomfortable wooden chair spawned this ranting email that I just sent to my fellow grad school friends:

The 4th (so-called QUIET) floor of the library has signs posted about banned cell phone use. It does not, however, feature any such signs outlawing Sun chips nor the obnoxiously-loud bags in which they are packaged (if you’re not familiar with Sun chips, let me just say that they have an artificially-produced texture that delivers a high-decibel crunch when coming in contact with the maxillary and mandibular incisors of humans).  I hereby petition that the university ban all Sun chips and Sun chip imitations from a place of study where my brain is overheating with thoughts of pícaros y Blasquito y suicidio. Worse than the merely aggravating nails-on-chalkboard sound, chip crunching is an offensive crime against graduate students and should be prosecuted to the greatest extent because estoy hasta la madre con estos malditos estudiantes hambrientos. ¡Abajo los Sun chips!

Will you join the revolution?


Good God! That means three things 1. I’m a loser 2. I’m superb at procrastinating 3. I’m in serious need of a break. Off to munchie and relaxation land for the rest of the night!


Cross that off

Posted in Uncategorized on May 18, 2010 by Cristina

Of my list of things that I don’t eat:
That’s right, I’ve decided to abandon my dreams of being happily ever vegetarian after a stormy two-ish years. When barbecue folk are eating buffalo, when my friend talks of bringing salami on a vineyard picnic, when my aunt makes smoked ham hocks… I drool and grit my teeth. I think my upbringing put me at a veggie disadvantage from the start. I’m referring to my mom [warning: stop reading if you’re easily nauseated] chewing up little pieces of meat and spoon-feeding me the pulp bird-style when I was a wee baby with no teeth. That, my friends, is hard-core meat-eating training.

The vegetarian aspirations were motivated by tragic factory farming practices and the ease of finding delicious veggie food in NYC and Portland. My new compromise goes a little something like this:
1. Eat meat only on special occasions (“special” meaning holidays and ballpark hotdogs)
2. Buy only local, free-range, organic, strangled with manicured hands after an ecstasy overdose kind of meat
3. Cook vegetarian at home
4. No foie gras or veal
If I die of trichinosis, let my epitaph read, “She died doing what she loved!” If I die some other way, let it read, “She died craving bacon!” I apologize for all the animals I have ever hurt and promise to keep the future carnage to a minimum.

I was wrong

Posted in Uncategorized on May 14, 2010 by Cristina

To think that this social experiment wouldn’t offend anyone. 
I was sick of this painting in my apartment so I decided to kill two birds with one stone (because I hate birds and stones are valuable) and recycle it as the background of this introspection flowchart. With a curiosity to find out what my fellow men and women were trying to improve in their lives, I placed this thing on a wall at school with a notebook imploring A. What’s wrong with you? and B. How will you try try to fix it? Here are the uncensored responses:

1. I don’t follow through with ideas. Put this thing up and write more letters and make more collages.
2. Please, I’m perfekt.
3. I don’t think I love my parents. Lower my expectations 
4. My back hurts. Quit sighing
5. I don’t spend enough time with my family. Cut back on obligations and make real time for the people I love
6. I have to pee! Bathroom ASAP!
7. I stopped talking to my sister. I’ll give her a call
8. I don’t think I love him as much as he loves me. I haven’t figured that out yet. Help…? Re-exam if you can be with him.
9. I don’t know when to tell my family I’m queer just do it.
10. I’m a nympho more sex!
11. I’m complex yet simple and no one can figure me out Can’t fix it : )
12. Cynicism Try to enjoy this artwork 
13. I kill faggots @ school Hmm, not cool, stop it. This is beyond not being cool, it’s oppressive, offensive and it’s violent and sexist and disgusting
14. I’m sexually attracted to my best friend who does not share the feeling Break my dependence for sure
15. I get anxious too easily Try and relax more often
16. I am not very careful, I don’t have a personality By being present in every moment
17. I masquerade pretentious truisms as art Go to PSU LET’S GET MARRIED! I’LL BRING THE PBR!!!
18. I lost my virginity Still trying to find it!
19. I procrastinate. I’ll figure it out later.
20. Self conscience in a vain fashion Accept my Being & Physical flaws.
21. I make people like me then I leave them Stop it?
22. I have really dry skin and sometimes my hands get cracked Less diuretics
23. I hate myself. I’m never good enough. Learn to be satisfied and love myself. Accept flaws and enjoy strengths
24. I take things too personally I hate people! I love to drink Stop taking things so personally
25. Narcissism + Low-self-esteem Average out my emotions?
26. I fall asleep in class 1) Sleep more 2) Learn to [heart] coffee 
27. I like to focus on other’s issues rather than focus on my own Spend more time journaling & reflecting on my goals, behavior & overall well-being
28. I stress out enjoy every moment one day at a time
29. I hate everyone  Stay alone
30. My job is making me koo-koo
31. Nothing Fuck you! : )
32. fear of failure practice self love and gratitude just being 
33. I have to look at this bullshit art every time I go to class Please take it down 
34. depression + loneliness go to counseling and make friends (it’s working)
35. That I let others convince me that something is wrong with me Listen to mp3 and wear sunglasses and avoid their judgements
36. I have too much on my plate–too many responsibilities Deal with it, work out to get out stress, figure it out. It will all be okay…
37. I have anxiety & depression I take antidepressants I am working through it : )
38. I care too much what others think Try to remember that they’re not perfect & don’t know me
39. love self esteem & I care too much about others stop looking in the mirror nothing is really wrong! Isn’t that the point? We spend too much thinking about what’s wrong without seeing all the things that are wonderful!
40. Ross came in my ass
41. You mean this isn’t a joke? 
42. I get mad when people think there is something wrong with me No. Fuck ’em
43. I like bad boys : ) …Haven’t figured that out yet!
45. I have heartburn Take Rolaids
46. My heart burns Pull a tooth
47. I’m a control freak I’m a spaz try to let go drink less coffee
48. There is a dick in my ass! Need poppers
49. I’m suicidal, thanks a lot notepad
50. Suffering from realization that there is always something wrong with me telling you about my realization
52. I never feel like I accomplish anything and have no faith in myself
53. did you think maybe this is a bit simplistic and dumb?
54. I’m stressed b/c I just bombed my stats midterm Read this notebook! Also, lots of rough sex + chocolate
55. This statement presupposes that there is a necessary goal or action in response to a question sleep with a man for a little bit of money.
56. I’m told I’m passive-agressive I dookie Be meaner from the start
57. My girlfriend is pregnant and I constantly think about suicide and cheating on my girlfriend. I’m also lazy and I have cheated on my girlfriend. I live with a lot of guilt and regret. So much regret that I also fantisize about making a time machine. Nothing. 

Wow. I was not expecting some of that. I’m glad I did this because it taught me to be a bit more careful with my words (ie… could have chosen a milder adjective than “wrong”). I’m also glad I took it down because it seems like this garish thing of mine was too aggressive for the Portland university crowd. Moving on to the next more lighthearted experiment.

Bus stop entomology

Posted in Uncategorized on May 10, 2010 by Cristina

I was bummed about having to wait ten minutes for the next bus on a dreary Sunday morning (would have considered walking, but had to conserve movement lest my bladder burst). I sat down on the covered bench that reeked of pee (an odor which exacerbated my urgent urination problem) and looked around for distractions. Lo and behold, a fascinating little something was sitting next to me! Clearly a ladybug or a ladybird, as it’s oft-called in other parts of the world, this wee one didn’t have any spots:

Strangely enough, I’d recently looked up ladybug anatomy because of a burning question about whether they did or did not have a heart (they do). This neat-looking beetle specimen made me expand my research to find out that their appearance varies from spotless to two dozen freckles. At one point, I ushered it to the safety of the far side of the bench with my pen so that no one’s fat ass could smush this rare coccinellida. That drew a hearty laugh from a bus-stop stranger and the whole scene helped me to forget my bathroom emergency. Ladybugbirdbeetle to the rescue!

I’d hit that

Posted in Uncategorized on May 9, 2010 by Cristina

If I may take the liberty of personifying inanimate objects, let me say that this is the hottest car I’ve ever seen. American, rough around the edges, oodles of eye fat and covered in freckles! Man, oh man, did I do a double-take when I walked past! Had there been other people on the sidewalk, I would have gotten into a human-on-human accident.  
I’m not normally into cars and don’t believe in love at first sight, but this sexy thing changed all that. I’ll be taking frequent creepy strolls past it all summer!

Sky crystals

Posted in Uncategorized on May 7, 2010 by Cristina

I was hanging out in a backyard with two men, a ukulele and a balloon when I noticed something amazing in the red fisheye reflection of the globo:

It was a strange rainbow around the sun that I’d never seen before. Some procrastination-induced research taught me that this halo/nimbus/icebow thing is created by ice crystals reflecting light in a halo shape in the sky. A few minutes later, things got more interesting as a plane drew a contrail arrow through the rainbow-bow. This beautiful combo reminded me how lucky we are to live on a planet with an atmosphere:

Thanks, sky, for your crystal doodles that day!