Old Schmold

Over the last month, I’ve met many people who keep marveling that I’m 30, and exclaiming that 30 is OLD! Here’s how some of these chats played out in real life and in my brain. My increasingly atrophied brain.

• Talking to an obliterated 57-year-old Irishman at a cowboy bar in Chiang Mai; he’s convinced that we need to get married and procreate but I tell him he’s too old for me.

John: “You’re no spring chicken, you should start thinking about babies soon; can I make love to you? We could have little Johns, you know!”
What I said: No, thanks, I have more time and a lot of faith in medicine.
What I wanted to say: Ew, sir!

• Getting to know fellow American backpackers in Railay.

YoungGuy: Wow, that’s great that you’re backpacking. I hope that I’ll still be traveling at your age.
What I said: This is my first backpacking trip, but yeah, it’s really fun.
What I wanted to say: Well at my age, I guess I’m pretty badass to go jungle hiking with this artificial hip. It’s a wonder I haven’t lost the will to live after all these years.

• YoungGuy sees me singing along to Another One Bites the Dust.

YoungGuy: Oh, I guess you know this song ’cause they’re your generation. Who is this?
What I said: Queen.
What I wanted to say: My generation?!? Motherfucker, you’re only 6 years younger and neither of us were alive when this song came out. 

• Late-night as YoungGuy’s friend is slumped over & asleep at our table.
YoungGuy: Do you have any married friends or know anyone married?
What I said: I’m divorced.
YoungGuy: *Gulp*
What I wanted to say: I think it’s past your bedtime. 

The problem isn’t that I FEEL old, it’s that a lot of people are telling me I should. In my mind, I’m a combination of a 19 and a 65-year-old depending on the situation. A swim in the ocean at 3am to look for photo fluorescent plankton? Hell, yeah! Liver & onions for dinner? Heck, yes! I love old people and will be proud to join their ranks (or to have already joined their ranks, same same).

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4 Responses to “Old Schmold”

  1. I see a roundhouse kick to the face in YoungGuy’s very near future.

  2. Three cheers for divorce, and how weird it makes youngies feel.

  3. Kari Coughlin Says:

    Three cheers for honoring decades age difference. I echo your “Ew, sir.”

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