Archive for March, 2012

Adrenaline & Abita in the afternoon

Posted in Uncategorized on March 28, 2012 by Cristina

This was almost the last photo I took with my camera:

Mid-town New Orleans at dusk, my friend pumping gas, I thought she looked foxy, so I snapped a photo from the passenger seat. When she was getting back in the car, the dude at the pump in front of us says, “HEY, why’s your friend takin’ your picture?!” She just smiled, got in the car, and I (like the giggly idiot that I am) decide to point my camera at him and jokingly pretend to take his picture. Mistake.
“I WILL FUCKIN’ BREAK YOUR CAMERA! DON’T TAKE MY PICTURE!” screams the wild-eyed stranger as he gets in his truck.
Holy shit. Eee, DRIVE! We peel out backwards, he’s behind us for a few blocks but not for too long. We chilled with a strawberry beer at home to calm the nerves. Blessed with sunshine and cursed with disaster, this city breeds a special kind of crazy. Raw magic. Off to sneak into rooftop pool.

Kool-Aid vs. Mexican water

Posted in Uncategorized on March 18, 2012 by Cristina

Frantic phone calls from my mom at 7:25, 7:37 and 9:10am until I finally pick up. She’s panicking about my sister being in Mexico. “I got 3 text messages, they’re all BLANK! I’m afraid she’s in danger and trying to talk to us!” With sleepy voice, I promise that she’s fine and that we’ve chatted.
Mom: “On the Skype? Did you talk to her on the Skype?”
Me: “No, mom, not on THE Skype, but a different interwebbs thing that I can’t explain right now… and she’s alive.”
Mom’s imagining my sister bound and gagged in the back of a van, barely reaching her Blackberry to send blank SOS messages. I shouldn’t have let her watch that movie Cellular:

I guess she was looking through our photos, freaking out that this will be the last picture of Anca taken down there.

Even though they own a house in Mexico that they visit often, my parents still have a crippling fear of drug lords, kidnappers, tamale ladies, piñatas, jalapeños, etc. I’ve tried to reason with them about the relative safety of Mexico, but they insist on speeding 70mph in their Jetta straight to the beach without venturing into neighboring villages. sigh. Minus the cursing and sex talk, this is not unlike conversations we’ve had:

If only they realized that my sister is simply too hung over from partying with her moreno-ponytailed-hotness of a boyfriend ’cause she was probably doing this late last night:

If she actually IS in the back of a van, she’s making out and miss-texting.

Wardrobe malfunction

Posted in Uncategorized on March 17, 2012 by Cristina

Since I started commuting to work by bike in the fall, I have yet to buy rain gear or change my outfits. Heels, dresses, no gloves, etc. A couple of recent incidents tell me I should reconsider this attitude.
This week, I wore a purple dress I’ve worn often (like, on Halloween)… but not much on my bicycle. Standing in front of the projector, explaining the stem-changing verb mostrar: Yo… muestro, tú muestras, ella muestra… Waaait a second, some students’ eyes are fixated on ummm, not my face. Then the horrible moment when I realize my dress is see-through. The slip  had shimmied all the way up to my waist and the projector’s glow was turning class into a peep show. ¡Uuuuuuf! Luckily, there was a podium I could get behind to fix the skank-fest.
The second, and even more embarrassing incident, was an unfortunate pencil skirt malfunction. I thought I’d hiked it up enough to ride safely, but realized AFTER teaching for 2 hours that the slit had split all the way up to my butt. The horror! So, for my second class, I was getting creative with not turning my back to them… “why don’t YOU come up and write it on the board?” Paralyzing.

Fashion ads should have captions like this ’cause there’s no way this lass rode her pencil-skirt-ass on that yellow bike.
Thankfully, neither of these episodes happened during my no-underwear laundry week. Lesson learned. Time to adjust my wardrobe, dress more sensibly and stop pretending I’m her:

This bitch probably didn’t have a job and I wanna keep mine.

Chore snore

Posted in Uncategorized on March 5, 2012 by Cristina

I never took Home Ec (because I was in ESL) and I’m pretty sure I would’ve failed if I had. This weekend, I was trying to make vegan chilaquiles that required toasted pumpkin seeds. I burned not one, not two, but THREE batches of seeds. I can’t believe I didn’t give up.
This morning, when collecting chicken eggs from the ladies that I’m watching for a friend, I dropped one and broke it. In Home Ec. that would’ve been my pretend baby and I’d get an F-.
My biggest homemaker flaw is laundry. Not sure what’s wrong with me, but I’m fucking terrible at it. I’m the asshole who leaves it in the dryer for days only to find that my neighbors are the kind souls who fold it for me. Dirty loads are epic and when clean, they form a lavender-smelling mountain in my room that I don’t fold for weeks!


I invent lame excuses like a lack of change. One kind friend texted me, “You want $33 in quarters? They’re yours!” She knew that I’d been wearing bikini bottoms and then no underwear all week. Unacceptable behavior for a so-called adult.
Not sure if all this can be remedied, but I’m hoping that I get extra credit for being able to open up a bottle of wine with a shoe and for sealing all my correspondence with red wax. A++ for awesomeness at impractical skills! Aaaaand, I guess it’s better that I learned English instead of egg-baby care.